Hey you.
I am not going to ask you how you are. I know you will say 'fine' or 'great!' But I know that is BS.
You have 2 small blond blue eyed boys who are your dream come true. One in nursery full time and who sleeps a max of 4 hours a night, one just started school with wrap around school clubs which I know you hate doing. You have a global team you are so proud of, a job you are paid for a 4 day working week but really working at least 6 days. You are a single mum during the week, and party hard all weekend, a husband who loves to host, your house is party central. You worry about your Mum but more about your Dad who is a full time carer and subject to the horrors of Alzheimer's stealing his wife. Your health is shocking and on a 3 month cycle of antibiotics & exhaustion, you are full of self loathing & body shame, and fall asleep evert night with a heavy blanket of suffocating Mum Guilt and thoughts of ‘is this really what ‘having it all means’?
So take my hand, I want to share a few things with you. Some of which will land for you, some of which you will ignore (and wish you hadn't!) , some you may forget and some you will take on board and actually do something about.
But I want to give you a choice to feel better through this period of your life, rather than struggling or wishing it could be better and give you the knowledge and education that you will get through a variety of qualifications & life experience in the next decade - but that you could really do with now!
I am going to cut to the chase & be punchy, but I know you can't stand fluff. I am likely to trigger the hell out of you and make you prickle. But only because you know I am right and you hate being called out.
So here goes:
When it comes to your health - make it a priority. Too many people rely on you to let it take you out of the game and it does - far too often.
Stop beating yourself up about the fact you have no time / didn’t have time to exercise today / this week / month / year! 80% of your health / weight is down to your nutrition & food. Eat well, you will feel better mentally & like the results you see in the mirror.
Stop beating yourself up about the fact you are too tired / have no energy to do a work out. Sleep & stress reduction will be far more beneficial to your health / weight in the long run. Go for a walk, get fresh air, play, or just lie down and stare at the sky for a minute or two. You will learn about cortisol and how it stores fat and wish you had been taught the science of this at school! So just chill out!
When Willy cries & cries at night, just get in to bed with him & snuggle down & rest rather than the controlled crying that keeps you wired, frustrated & awake all night leaving you angry & exhausted by morning and resentful that you are the one doing it! One day you won’t be able to get him out of bed and for a short period, he won’t hug you! Relish it now.
Practice unconditional love for yourself. You know - like the unconditional love you show for your boys - you love them whatever, whenever, wherever. No matter how they look, no matter what they are doing or not doing. Loving yourself doesn't always mean buying yourself something nice or going to a spa, it is actually just being kind to yourself in the way you think about yourself, talk about yourself, see yourself. Spend time with yourself to find out what this actually means. One day you will get REALLY good at this and it feels soooo good!
Let your first thought of the day be one of thanks, no matter how bad it gets. Have an attitude of gratitude and you will bring joy to your life & the lives of so many around you.
Practice living mindfully - awareness of yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your behaviours, reactions and actions, is everything; show yourself compassion & non judgement and others will respond in kind.
Meditate. Don't roll your eyes at me and tell me your mind is far too busy. Go learn about it and get over yourself - I am not telling you to stop thinking and I know you can’t sit crossed legged. But do yourself a favour, google it, research it and meditate or be intentionally still & mindful of yourself for one minute a day. (You won't believe me but one day, there will be a global pandemic, you won't be allowed out and you will be asked by the UK's most loved retailer to do Live Meditations on their social media channels every Monday to calm the nation!)
When it comes to life & love - you only get one shot! Live it and love it :
For the love of all things holy - Please yourself, please! Have some respect for yourself! Learn to say no rather than saying yes to please others, to fit in, to not be ‘not liked’. (Apply to Alcohol, parties, people, career choices, puddings and main courses.)
Don’t fear change, loss or rejection. See these as redirection to something better. You will lose a lot, will let go of the rest & find your original self hidden under the social & parental coding & a realise a beautiful future, one that looks nothing like you were told it would or should be.
Things (people, opportunities) that are meant for you will find you (even if they leave).
You are allowed to claim time for you and just you. There is no shame in asking for support to do that either.
Don’t trust anyone before you trust yourself. People tell lies (of varying degrees) to protect themselves not to hurt you & it is hard to recognise the difference. (A lot of people will do this to you - ones you love the most, ones you work with, ones you partner with. Its ok - you learn & survive!) Trust yourself. You will always know when you lie to yourself. Then trust your own intuition - it hasn't been wrong.
You can fall in love with the same person again. And again. Even if they hurt you.
Forgive & let it go. Forgiveness is an act of self love, the antidote to uncomfortable emotions you feel. Forgive and be free. And remember - forgiveness does not mean that you have to keep the person or people who did wrong by you in your life.
Learn skills & lessons from others. Don’t ask others what to do or for their advice on what to do. They will be well meaning, but any advice given will have some element mixed in for what is right for them. You know what is right for you. You know the answers. But perhaps you don’t know the questions to ask (that’s what coaches & mentors are for! Get one. They change your life! and then you become one and you are seriously good at it.)
Stand up for yourself. Don’t let anyone shame or guilt you into ignoring what you know is right for you / what your gut is telling you. (I would take myself by the shoulders and shake myself with this one!)
Whatever you are resisting doing - prioritise it. Thank me later.
Remind yourself of your childhood dreams, desires, wants, hopes. Not the ones of your parents, friends or anyone else. Yours. Make a list of what matters to you in life & love now and what you want to create in the future. Then ask yourself if you are living in accordance with those values, dreams & desires. (Hint - you aren't... have the courage to do something about it!)
When it comes to work, career, purpose, making a living...
Ditch the Mum guilt and claim the fact you enjoy working & find great fulfilment in it. The simplest way to do this is get very clear on boundaries that are in alignment with your values, your future and your health. Set them and them uphold them like a mother f*cking prison guard. Time with your boys is precious, time with your family is sacred & quality time with the one you love will never be regretted.
You will soon hear a podcast & buy the book by Danielle LaPorte called the 'Fire Starter Sessions' that changes your life. Tangible goals will no longer set the direction of your life or work; feelings will become your compass, how you set the direction of your life and give you clarity on what really matters for you to 'have' or 'do' in your life. This will become one of your most popular Masterclasses (you will even deliver it to Facebook!)
Contrary to what you have grown up believing, your titles, pay checks, positions, labels, parents, partners, do not validate you. You validate you. You will be put in laddering systems for promotions and this will condition you in to believing that you & everyone else on the planet is in a long line of better / worse. It’s bullshit & not true. You will need therapy to get over this! And you will feel liberated!
Follow your heart. Don’t do anything just for money. Do things for love, passion, purpose first & money will always be a by-product. The former may be a necessity to live, but the latter means you will love the life you live!
The real & hardest work you will ever do and that will have the biggest impact on you & your life & career is the work you do to build self belief & confidence. Remember who you are, what you know, remind yourself regularly of the value you bring to others, be unapologetic about how amazing you are and how good you make others feel! This is your gift.
You are unique. No one is like you, don’t try to be like anyone else. Don’t let anyone try to mould you to be like anyone else. Love your flaws, warts, wrinkles & bendy fingers. It is your imperfections that make you loveable to others. You are one of a kind. (You will tell your boys this a lot, take a piece of your own advice!)
Who you are, the energy you bring into a room will be more impactful than what you say or do. Your presence will be referred to being like 'an angel', giving hope, guidance, confidence, peace & inspiration. You will only believe this when most of your clients write it or say it in their testimonials.
Speak up. And speak up again when you get knocked back or down. Change will happen but it takes the courageous & resilient. You are one of them.
And now just a few words to prepare you. In 2015, you will start working with a coach who helps you craft a mantra for your life; you will fulfil it and it will fulfil you. 'I am the inspiration that gives people the hope & courage to change.' All you are going through, all you will go through will only reinforce this.
But first in 2016, you will feel like your life is over. I am here to tell you, it isn't. When the darkness lifts, you will see what a rare gift the experience has been. An opportunity to start again from a place of wisdom. You will rise through it all with dignity and you will learn so much about humanity, human behaviour, emotions & resilience. One day, it will feel like a vague unpleasant memory, superceded in a plethora of happy moments in an abundant life.
I am going to leave you with 3 quotes that will keep you going - one for each life, health, career & love:
Health: Health isn't just what you are eating. It is what you are thinking and what you are saying.
Life: "You have been given this mountain to show others it can be moved."
Career: "Your smile is your logo, your personality is your business card, how you leave others feeling after an experience with you becomes your trademark."
Love: You can't break up with a soul mate.
If you found this helpful, feel free to save it and come back to it.
If you know anyone who would find this enlightening, please share it.
If you would like to comment, please do so - or drop me an email ali@xoalimortimer.com
If you are looking for guidance through this part of your life, I have many opportunities that you can benefit from my work.
You can start by taking the Happiness Quiz which will highlight your Happiness Ratio and how in alignment you are living with it. I will send you a Happiness Report & suggestions on how you can find more harmony, balance, happiness & health with a unique roadmap designed for you.
IT's free - you can do it here: Take the Happiness Quiz!
I have a library of Life Labs which give you the practical lifestyle strategies along with emotional & spiritual guidance. You can find those here: Life Lab Library
Join the Love Club - my 6 month rolling Mastermind and surround yourself with other women, just like you - who want to live & love life, be happy, healthy & free! For more information: The Love Club
Or if you want specific, intimate, close proximity mentorship & coaching, you can email me and let's start a conversation to discuss your options. Email me ali@xoalimortimer.com
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