This week I was the subject of a couple of people's unwanted feelings. One was from someone close to me, another from someone I thought had moved on from my work life a few years ago.
In both cases, their anger / frustration was projected directly at me. And it hurt. Deeply.
I find myself today, having navigated both experiences, feeling left like a bruised and battered peach. (But at least I am not an egg shattered on the floor - IYKYK the story of the egg vs the peach)
It takes another level of awareness to realise when we are being projected on by another. When their unwanted feelings are too big or too painful for them to deal with alone and rather than asking for help, they throw them at you like a ‘hot potato’ (as a therapist once explained to me). The ‘heat’ is too much so they throw it at someone else, so that they can feel it too, because it feels justified that that person should feel the same way they do.
When you have this level of awareness, and compassion for others, you can see the hot potato for what it is, just a painful feeling and rather than catch it and take it on as a feeling and join the hot potato fight by throwing it back, you can catch it and put it down with intention. Take the ‘heat’ out of the fight and ask what really is going on.
And this goes both ways. It takes another level of self awareness to realise that when you point the finger of blame, there will always be something (often a feeling) in yourself that is calling out to be recognised within you, a discomfort, a shame or guilt for your own actions or behaviour.
In both cases, the projector or the projected upon, I find there are some simple steps or questions to walk through and this week has been a reminder of those for me… and as always, I like to share.
One of my favourite films is Inside Out - the young girl Riley becomes aware of her voices in her head (Joy, Sadness, Anger, Fear & Disgust). We see which emotion is driving her behaviours, which one is at the controls. It was this film that really helped me understand myself, become a master of my mind and therefore, brought a deeper understanding of my emotions too.
As adults we have a few more ‘voices’ fighting for the controls, but the ones I choose with intention to have lead my life are simple. How I bring them to the fore in these situations is by asking a few simple questions:
Ask yourself what would TRUTH say? (Awareness of what is)
Ask yourself what would LOVE do? (Compassion for what is)
Ask yourself what would PEACE do? (Forgiveness for what is)
Ask yourself what would JOY do? (Gratitude for what is)
Ask yourself what would WISDOM do? (Connect with the lesson from what was)
In both situations this week, these questions have served me well, guided me back to prioritising my peace, while honouring the feelings I have felt and allowing them to flow.
(For those of you in the CALM Clinic or the LOVE Club, you will see that these questions correlate directly to the BIG 5 CALM principles - or if you would like find out more about living with a 'Consciously Aware & Loving Mind' - click here)
I was reminded that these were the questions I asked myself a lot when I ‘healed myself happy’ during the years following events in 2016 (death, near divorce, depression, dysmorphia and a dead end in my career).
I was reminded that these are the same questions I used to ‘love myself back to life’ in the years that followed.
They are always the questions that return me to my own source of energy & the power I wish spin my wheel of life. These are questions I ask of myself rather than point a finger of blame to others.
This is a rather philosophical message today…
But if you are reading this, I hope you remember it in times when you feel uncomfortable feelings or when you feel the brunt of someone else's feelings.
What I have recognised in myself and working with my clients over the years is that there is a simple equation to creating a sense of 'balance' and it isn't about equality! It is about creating equilbrium and not in the way you may think.
If you would like to know more, you can download my 'Equalibrium Equation' for free here:
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